anxiety

Anxiety feels like an itchy, wool sweater you hate to wear, but it’s the only thing in your closet. It takes the shape of your body as soon as you open your front door to go out in public. To be seen in public. Grocery shopping. Parties. Chilling with friends. Talking to family members. Going to the gym. Going to church. Anxiety feels like sweaty hands, over thinking, nervous sweats, fear of embarrassment, judgment, and being seen. Anxiety makes you wear sunglasses driving around your home town because you don’t want to be seen. Anxiety makes you go out of your way to avoid people so you don’t have to speak or have pointless conversations. Maybe it’s not pointless, but you don’t feel like being your “normal” self and being up for them asking you questions that you don’t want to answer because you feel judged by your life. Anxiety feels like wanting to be around your friends, but really wanting to be home so you can be comfortable by yourself. Anxiety feels like wanting a companion, but being fearful of putting yourself out there. Anxiety feels like self-sabotage. Anxiety feels like when plans don’t go right, so you sit in your cold car in 30 degree weather for over an hour, just so you don’t have to wait in a public space to buy time until you have to meet with your friend. Anxiety feels like needing to call someone familiar, like your mom, so you can walk across campus and won’t feel as alone as you really are. Anxiety feels like needing to FaceTime your sister while waiting for your friend to arrive at the restaurant, so you won’t look lonely. Anxiety feels like laughing, constantly telling jokes, and goofball behavior to cut the tension that only you feel in public. Anxiety feels like wearing black as if you’re in mourning all the time because one, it’s slimming but two, or hides sweat marks better than anything. Anxiety feels like needing to crack the window in the car, or having to step outside for a bit to cool off. Anxiety makes you feel stupid for what you said, causing you to overthink and overanalyze the situation later. Anxiety feels like pressure from everyone. Family. Friends. And strangers. Anxiety feels like someone is watching your every move. It feels like judgment. Like everyone knows your deepest darkest secrets. They can tell when they look at you. They are right through you. Anxiety feels like having a secret you want to share and be rid of, but it’s sad and most people don’t want to be sad, so you keep it to yourself. It’s like pretending everything is fine, but really on the inside you’re a mess. It’s like really really wanting to get the stress and burden of a secret off of your chest, but knowing it’s not something often shared. It’s like having to pee really, really bad. But not being able to use public restrooms and only being able to wait until you get home to relieve yourself. Anxiety feels like frustration with yourself for not being able to chill and be normal around certain people. It’s talking yourself out of projects and situations that you know are beneficial to you because you feel like you’re not ready. It’s feeling uneasy, content, anxious, disappointed, mad, and unhappy all at the same time.