How doing a boudoir photoshoot helped me gain confidence and acceptance in myself.

I wrote this poem for myself on the bus while on my way to Target. It’s Valentine’s Day and tears fill my eyes, as I write a poem acknowledging the self-sabotage, the hurt, the neglect, the beauty and the imperfections that I have carried for so long. I decided that this poem was one that I would share on social media.

This was my first time being honest with myself and writing a poem that reflected the woman I’ve grown to become in recent days.  Something was changing inside of me. I felt anew, I liked what I was seeing, I was in a new city, new place, and with a new mindset. Since I had moved back to the D.C. area with very few friends, no family, and no real direction or reason for being here, I wanted to experience all that the area had to offer, even if that meant doing so by myself. Every month, I would plan an occasion to treat myself in a new way; whether that’d be a movie, a dinner, an exhibit, etc. whatever. I wanted to figure out what makes me happy and to cater to things that sparked my interest. I also wanted to feel confident and comfortable doing all of those things alone, something that my anxiety never allowed me to successfully do. 

Now, I had never looked at myself and liked what I saw. I never lived on my own outside of college and a short summer interning in NYC. I never had the opportunity to focus so much on myself, immediately moving back home after graduation and NYC. I wanted to do something special for myself for February to celebrate all of those things and it seemed fitting to do something in the spirit of love since Valentine’s Day was approaching. No, I wasn’t bitter that I was single (years ago, I had celebrated Valentine’s Day at Hooters and received free wings for bringing a picture of my ex. Being bitter got me some wings, so I don’t regret that). I wasn’t even sad that I would be alone. I just wanted to show myself that I was deserving of love no matter the holiday or occasion. I was deserving just for being me.

I planned to celebrate myself in the most vulnerable and revealing way possible: by doing a boudoir photoshoot. For the past few years, I had gained a collection of lingerie from various brands and I never found an occasion to wear them. Last Fall, my sister and I purchased some together because she wanted me to take boudoir photos of her for her 30th birthday. It never panned out, and I had all these sets just sitting here.

Trying the lingerie sets on for my sister and my best friend made me wake tf up. I realized that I really had convinced myself that I wasn’t attractive, I needed to hide and that I wasn’t worthy. I felt amazing, even just trying the sets on without any makeup on my face, my bonnet on, and nothing else. I was really seeing myself for the first time with new eyes, and that really solidified that I was going to do this for myself. I decided to do three different photoshoots with three different outfits with varying poses. 

Being the content creator, media, wannabe influencer I am, I decided to do all of this MYSELF. Yes, you read that correctly. I bought some hair and I watched YouTube tutorials to learn how to do my hair. I practiced my makeup (I was very rusty and tbh, I don’t have the patience to do my makeup or a full glam all the time). I bought accessories and heels to match my outfits. I painted my toes. I pulled out all of my camera equipment, set up the scene, adjusted the camera settings and angles. When I tell you I was over it by the end, I was over it and it showed. There were no more seductive gazes left in me. 

My photos came out SOO GREAT! I seriously surprised myself. I don’t consider myself to be a photographer at all (even though I'd been hired before for photoshoots). So when my NYC photographer best friend LaQuann approved the photos and was gassing me up non stop after every shoot, I knew I really did that shit. I was amazed at how well my photos turned out, the poses I had imitated, the comfortableness that I had and the confidence of having so much skin showing. 

Being a full figured woman and being “maCHESTical,” I never even noticed or knew that I had a pudge. I can’t even see my feet when I look down, so for me to see myself with lingerie on, I really got a good look at myself. All that I’ve worn the first two years of the pandemic were t-shirts, jackets, pullovers, yoga pants and biker shorts. To see my chest, my thighs, my pudge after hiding so much of myself for years, and to still feel so beautiful made me feel like my alter ego, the confident Brookie the Baddest, was back. I felt unstoppable. I felt like there was no way that I could ever turn back and believe those things that I’ve told myself were true. I’m not going to pretend and act like I’m in love with myself and the boudoir shoot changed me completely overnight. No, not at all. But what I will say is that I feel so much more comfortable with myself than I ever did. This photoshoot truly made me see myself and accept my body for what it is. Yes, I have rolls, a pudge, my thighs touch, I’ve got cellulite and stretchmarks. I know all of those things and I’m content with it. My body may change in the next month or even the next year and that’s okay. Each day I am learning to love and appreciate myself more. 

So, if you are anything like me, a person who has hid behind clothes, used food to cope, experienced low self-esteem and confidence, negative self-talk, self-sabotage, then this quote is for you. I hope you find peace in knowing that no matter what you are deserving and worthy and beautiful. 

“Be enough for yourself first. The rest of the world can wait.” — unknown