Recently, I celebrated my birthday. Birthdays have been something that I dread because I become a year older and I analyze what I have accomplished so far in my life. If I didn’t have to sleep, I know that I wouldn’t and I would try to fit more things into my days to achieve more. I always feel as though there is more that I should be doing and want to be doing. So, growing older is just a reminder of that. I’m focusing on what still needs to be done and what goal I haven’t reached yet.

This birthday was a little different, being that there was only one thing that I wanted for my birthday: to be in my own space. I told myself back in March that that is what I wanted for my birthday, but life be lifing. I was not prepared to be the main person to take care of my mother as she battled cancer, but I did what had to be done. That took a lot of my time and energy, so me doing things for myself got pushed to the back burner. So, me being in my own space on my birthday did not happen. With that being said, I am grateful to still have my mother and to have turned another year older. This past year taught me some things that I needed to understand and no, I don’t feel bad for the lessons. 

1. Not everyone will be your friend or in your life for forever (and that’s okay)

I pride myself on being a good friend to my friends. I listen. I check in. I pay attention. I spend time. I’m at the family cookouts. I’m celebrating you and cheering for you. As we grow older, things change. People change too. We are all hopefully evolving into better versions of ourselves. I realized that there were some people whose behaviors, ideals and beliefs I no longer agreed with. I began to realize that not everyone is going to be in your life forever. Sometimes, it has to do with you and sometimes it does not. It is okay either way. There are people who I once talked to every day, known since junior high, or even sang in the choir with that I no longer talk to. I had to be okay with that. I relearned these lessons many times this year and was even blocked in the process. I’m not sure if it was my desire to be liked by many or my bad habit of finding distractions to neglect my own issues. Doing all of this for so long began to feel exhausting. So, I’m proud that I am okay with losing friends and not caring who likes me. I have a solid group of people in my corner who reciprocate my energy, communicate  and teach me.

2. It’s not wise to be friends with people you were previously involved with (at least it’s not a good idea for me)

Whew, now this lesson was a very hard one to learn. I don’t know why I thought that this was possible, but I know for a fact it is not. I had to be honest with myself and become aware of my ego to fully grasp this one. I wanted to be friends with them because I still had hope that they would miraculously fall in love with me and see how much I was there for them, even as a friend. Let’s all laugh together. Simply put, I didn’t know how to let go or accept that I was not what they wanted. Even after they moved on. Funny as hell, right? This was painful when you know your worth and they know your worth, but they still just wanted to keep you and toy with you as a friend. It was also hard to get used to not having the same access to people  you once had and not getting the same kind of treatment from them. How do we go from talking, texting and spending time and money to you barely ever answering the phone? I ended up internalizing these feelings and felt like I was doing too much for trying to keep us friends. In reality, I just needed to cut all ties. I needed to protect my energy, my peace and my heart. The sooner I accepted this, the — I’m not even going to pretend like this was an easy lesson because I am still very much learning to accept what we learned in lesson one. 

3. Do what is necessary to heal you and do what is pleasing to you

Getting my heart broke and falling for men who did not want me were not the only things that I have done in the past year. I mentioned before that I feel so exhausted. I have given so much of my time taking care of others. I’ve helped my family so much this last year. Babysitting. Running errands. Grocery shopping. Doctor appointments. House sitting. The list goes on and on. It got to a point that I became angry and just said no altogether for doing anything for anyone. Sometimes you need to prioritize yourself and say no. I’ve never had an issue saying no. But, as far as the pleasing yourself part I made sure that I did something for myself. I was able to publish my debut poetry book entitled Confessions of a Good Girl. It was very important that I prioritize and commit to getting this done. It was a part of my birthday celebration but also a big deal because writing plays a major role in my life. I had been talking about publishing poems for years. Although, I wasn’t able to be in my own space this year, I made sure that I spent time publishing what has been my form of self-healing for so long.