It’s New Year’s Eve and I rose before the sun and before the house woke up. Today is my nephew’s ninth birthday and I’m lying awake in bed, hoping that what I bought him will be enough for his now 9-year-old thrills. What do 9-year-olds even like these days, besides YouTube, TikTok dances and Fortnite?

 I’m realizing that this holiday season was the first one where I didn’t feel depressed. I didn’t have to pretend to be happy in front of family. I didn’t have to open presents I didn’t ask for just to satisfy the gifters’ ego. I didn’t have to watch them struggle to buy gifts for each other, all the while knowing bills still need to be paid. I felt content in my own body and by myself. I guess I have the “panoramic” to thank for that. 

This year has been many things: a struggle, a challenge, a sacrifice, but really for me it has been an awakening. I lie in my bed content with who I am. I’m shocked that on the last day of 2020, I’m not lying here hating myself. For the first time in maybe 12 years, I feel good. I’m amazed that this was even possible.

 2020 definitely was a year full of change. I started this year unemployed, but that didn’t last.  I began substitute teaching, which I loved. Who would have thought that I would be excited to walk the halls of middle and high school again. I was stoked to be a temporary break in a student's school life. I was excited to read as a class and call on students eager to help me figure out the seating chart. I loved to hear students greet me as I walked the halls saying, “Hi, Ms. Madison!”

 A few weeks later, I finally earned the position as reporter and worked my ass off covering my local community. I didn’t know how many people saw me and supported me until I had this job. So many people were proud of me, which made me feel overwhelmed with the love I didn’t know was there. Especially being the only black reporter (after Lisa). Especially when, I spent so much time hiding and being ashamed of being back in my hometown. 

In early April, I began counseling again. Not because I was sad or something had happened, but because I wanted to be actively working on my mental wellness. I am so thankful for counseling because although I didn’t end my year depressed, I found myself in many valleys. I am grateful to have had someone to talk to when I felt the most alone, unhappy, unmotivated and even uncertain. Anxiety, stress, worry and depression huddled around me with a playbook of what to think about, what to obsess over, how to feel, who to talk to. They almost had me several times, but I’m thankful that I found a way to shake them loose and make my own play. I made the winning shot and sent them packing. 

I’m excited for 2021. I’ve made some changes in the last quarter of 2020, that I can’t wait to reap the benefits from in 2021. I quit my job (again), realizing that I don’t want to write everyday. I want to flex my other creative muscles and freelance. I knew that it was time and that I couldn’t continue to do things that didn’t satisfy me or give me purpose. I am more than just a writer and I intend to explore all that I am in the new year. I intend to take advantage of my brand and use my business to inspire, inform and to tell stories. 

I told myself that I was going to be nice to myself all 2021. I think it’s time. After 25 years of being me, spending 12 of them hating myself, I am on a mission to find more things to love and accept about myself. I may have gained a new “insecurity” in 2020, but I know for a fact that I let go of a few more. I no longer feel held back by my body. I’m learning to accept my flaws, my rolls and my pudge one day at a time.  I’ve learned that things happen in life that we cannot change, but we don’t have to live in fear and be defined by those things. I’m choosing to be undefined and comfortable.